#2 Thoughts : A universe of different entities

When I was younger I held strongly to the belief that everyone needs to have a “status” and “belong” to someone/somewhere.

I like to label things and people, deem them as mine - some would say I’m too possessive; of which I wholeheartedly agree to.

I’d like to have a ‘best friend’ who can only be ‘mine’ and I’d like to have a ‘soulmate’ who can only ‘belong to me’.

What a horrible childish child I must have been.

I don’t blame my younger self for being so selfish though, because I know where I came from that had me being that way.

When I was a kid, everything that had ‘exclusively belonged to me’ - my parents’ love, the special attention, the extra care... they were divided bit by bit as my younger siblings came into the world.

When was it that I realised my parents no longer loved me the way I wanted them to?

Oh, hey maybe they never change; but the same love they gave me was showered to my siblings without much difference.

I admit; I’m a horrible elder sister.

When I was a kid, I can never learn why I had to be ‘less selfish’ and ‘protect my younger siblings’.

I suffered a lot because of my being that way. I was caned (yes, once upon a time I wasn’t a good child), I was berated, I was punished. There were days I sobbed myself to sleep wondering why I had to be punished when I did no wrong, there were days I had to kneel in front of my great-grandparents altar to the point there were bruises on my knees.

Oh, those rebellious days!

What changed them?

This isn’t a story I’ll usually tell people, but I’m gonna say it all the same. I was rebellious, and so was my younger brother. We were a year apart, hence, we are each other’s best partner-in-crime. We drove our late grandfather crazy by hiking up tricks and being as mischievous as we could. We made the old man who never had a temper mad beyond words. And when he left us, we hadn’t even managed a chance to say sorry.

Jeez what a sappy cliche story.

But that happened, and I became a ‘selfless, protective, caring, mature elder sister’ yeah basically everything my parents wanted me to be. Yet deep down, I knew I can never be the same. I can never not look at people, and desire for someone to ‘be mine and mine only’.

This sounds like a sick wish - I have to clarify that when I was younger I didn’t know where the boundary was. I pushed people who truly cared about me all the way back, being a porcupine who stuck up her spines defending herself whenever things don’t go away.

Things happened in my earlier years of high school, affirming my defiance even deeper.

I cared for a lot of people, but I didn’t know how to express it correctly.

I forgot we were all humans; and being humans, we would naturally have our own different principles and limits.

I would often sigh, but it’s still on me that I pushed a person who had truly cared and loved me away from my life - I knew the friend placed me at an important position, yet I kept driving at the person’s limits; to the point we finally became strangers to each other.

It’s sad, but I learnt it the hard way.

You can never fully have someone that ‘belongs to you’; we’re our own separate entity in the universe.

I craved for a lot of things, I believed in statuses and labels, as though trying to fool myself into believing that when I label these people they wouldn’t leave me.

Hence I tend to fall into the same cycle over and over again.

Yet, when was it that I started growing up?

Early adulthood, I realised my supposed defiant demeanour may probably lure people who truly loved and cared about me away from my life.

I don’t want it that way.

As I grow, I learned to pacify myself. That in the world, it has always been comprised of entities with different views of the universe.

Labels don’t work that way - hey, even the strongest glue can come off during heavy rain.

What’s lasting, may be the foot prints treaded on the path during those heavy storms; with shoes and soles sealed tightly with thread and needle.

I’m probably rambling don’t mind me.

-x-